As my plane lands, I try to make sure where to put my legs- where do I stand? Of course I am no pilot, so this is figurative, but one thing this year has really brought is turbulent weather. Good turbulent weather.
At some point in my childhood I was obsessed with religious ritual; I would go to morning mass everyday, pray my rosary reverently- everything about the whole service was sort of romantic. I studied the lives of Saints. Name a saint and I could tell you how they lived.
By the will of providence, as I grew up, that romance ended aprubtly when I was practically forbidden to go to Church. It was a subtle forbiddance, but the result was me running away to "find myself." What I found was the Hare Krsna movement. A romance rekindled! A slightly different mood. With God as the same goal, but awe and reverence not the main point. I was fascinated to know about different ways of approaching God. Loving service was now emphasized. Now go find others who may be spinning in their own cocoons, looking for a similar experience.
So as young monks we romantically took to Krsna's movement, putting aside every other consideration the world had to offer. We were on our way back to Godhead! Young enthusiasm, leave no prisoners, onward spiritual soldiers, march against illusion's snare. It's easy to march when you have a leader in front of you, giving you goals, cheering you on, smashing you, pushing you back to Godhead.
Then at some point the question came, " so what do YOU want to do for Krsna? What responsibilities can you take? Which shoulder would you like to lend for leaning? Who me? Oh, I thought all you big men would stick around forever and I'll just do as you command? Me? Responsibility? Ok, I guess.
So with what tools I had I scurried along, meeting and inviting others- " leave no prisoners, onward spiritual warriors!"
Then came responsibility: feed em, make sure they're trained for battle, mentally, physically, Spiritually. And then reality hit. Mistakes were made, people were pushed too pushed, etc etc. Fights were fought for the cause of the mission, and in most cases, I wondered if anyone was even listening? So came 2012. The year when it all will end, according to some. Nah, according to others. I braced myself, " if it ends, I'll go down swinging! If it doesn't, I'll stay up swinging! But something had to end. For me. Maybe not the world, maybe not the fight, maybe not even the playful-happy-go-super-lucky me! Immature enthusiasm has to die.
So the turbulence was of my own making; all my romantic conceptions placed before me. I now have to solidify them, or let them go. The love for Krsna must increase, for if I don't mend my shaky relationship with him, I am and will always remain incapable of loving anything! Krsna is the root cause of everything. So should I push? Yes, push those who need pushing. Should I march? Yes, with those who like marching. And prisoners? Yes, leave none. But only if I work in conjunction with pushing myself, marching myself, and freeing myself from illusion.
Leave aside immaturity. Mature through chanting, through studying the map out of here (Srila Prabhupada's books), through good association, through breaking the chains that weakens the heart.
I think I'll land here:
With the conviction that love of God is in every living entity. Deep within in each heart, under the envy, the greed, the lust, the madness, the pride, the illusion, is that covered spark who knows nothing but how to love. To Truly love Krsna. And what is my duty? To amuse, to inspire to delight, to somehow other reach deep and give what was given me- a chance to have turbulences, to solidify my desire to re love Krsna, to re meet Krsna, to again have it all be about Krsna.
I think I'll land here.